"I wish I'd never been to bloody Memphis."

A bit of a frivolous post today. You see, I've locked myself out of the house, and I'm stuck for something to do for the next twenty minutes. So I thought I'd draw your attention to one of my favourite Priministerial (my own word) myths: the Memphis Trousers Affair.

It's not really a myth, but more of an amusing anecdote that has acquired an air of mystique. The story is simple, and goes like this:

Malcolm Fraser, former Australian PM, and a man of undeniable gravitas and decorum, was visiting the USA three years after his election loss to Bob Hawke. He was there in his capacity as chairman of the Commonwealth Eminent Persons Group. His presence would have barely elicited interest, were it not for the fact that he was found wandering in the lobby of his hotel, clad only in a towel. And that he was in a dazed and confused state. And that he had lost his trousers. And that his hotel, the Admiral Benbow Inn, was of the type preferred by society's seedier individuals.

The 'Memphis Trousers Affair', as it became known, has become steeped in mystery, since Mr Fraser himself refuses to comment on the episode. Those who witnessed the former Australian premier wandering, pantsless, around a Tennesseean hotel, are of the opinion that he was most probably drugged by a lady of the night, who then stole his trousers; or that he was the victim of an elaborate practical joke by his colleagues on the commonwealth junket.

This begs several questions. If the former occurred:-

1) Why did the woman steal his trousers?
2) How did she drug a former Australian Prime Minister?
3) Where are the trousers now?

If the latter:-

1) How do you become a member of the Eminent Persons Group, if you are capable of stealing another man's trousers for the purpose of humiliating him?
2) Where are the trousers now?

I could go on analyising this story, but I just love re-telling it. I'd welcome any other amusing priministerial anecdotes too.

Quantum Theory

Those people who know me are probably well aware that I'm something of a James Bond tragic. Whether its Sean, George, Roger, Tim, Pierce, or Daniel appearing in the film, I suck them down like three measures of gin, plus one of vodka, poured over half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken till ice-cold, and served with a large, thin slice of lemon peel.

I watched Quantum of Solace today. Great movie, with plenty of bone-crushing fight scenes, pant-searingly awesome chases, sexy, sultry women, and another ice-cool performance from Daniel Craig.

The bad guys in the film are a bunch of shadowy transnational terrorists known as Quantum. Not your Al-Qaeda types, but white guys in suits with lots of guns and money.

Now, a few years ago, I wrote my History Honours thesis on the first 19 Bond films. I analysed the historical accuracy of each one, especially in regards to how they dealt with the pressing geopolitical issues of the time.

The myth was that Bond was the ultimate Cold Warrior, the perfect defender of the capitalist West: wealthy, educated, sophisticated - a jet-setting executive supplied with all the technological marvels the capitalist boffins could muster.

However, once I watched the movies again, I realised how far from the truth this was. Far from being an ideological defender of the faith, Bond is actually a defender of the status quo. He does not go out seeking trouble with the villain of the moment - Communist Russia, Red China, the Ayatollah's Iran, or Osama's foot soldiers. He reacts when the globe's stability is threatened - usually by a lone maniac, or imaginary terrorist organisation. He neutralises the threat, so that the world can get back to where it was before - even if that means going back to having the West and the East fighting a Cold War.

As an example: Bond did not directly battle a representative of the Russian government until nineteen years into his film career!

Hell, in some movies he even helps the Soviets.

I could bore you with the 20,000 words I wrote on this for my thesis...but instead, I think it may be most instructive to look at who exactly Bond faces in each of the films, to give you an idea of just how apolitical and non-ideological our dinner-suited friend really is:

1) Dr. No (1962) - crazy half-Chinese doctor, working for SPECTRE, a transnational terrorist organisation
2) From Russia With Love (1963) - mad Irish assassin and rogue Russian agent, both working for SPECTRE
3) Goldfinger (1964) - mad British millionaire intent on robbing Fort Knox, plus his hat-throwing Korean sidekick
4) Thunderball (1965) - mad SPECTRE number two, determined to steal some NATO missiles
5) You Only Live Twice (1967) - maniacal SPECTRE head, Blofeld, stealing rockets from the Russians and the Yanks
6) OHMSS (1969) - Terrorist Blofeld again, this time planning to spread a virus around the world
7) Diamonds Are Forever (1971) - Blofeld now plans to use a giant laser to blackmail the whole world
8) Live and Let Die (1973) - tinpot Caribbean dictator tries to flood the US with cheap drugs
9) The Man with The Golden Gun (1974) - lone gun Scaramanga plays off the Chinese and the West for his own gain
10) The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) - mad terrorist tries to destroy Moscow and New York
11) Moonraker (1979) - mad industrialist plans to destroy the world
12) For Your Eyes Only (1981) - Greek commie stooge working with the KGB - finally, a socialist villain!
13) Octopussy (1983) - renegade Russian agent tries to plunge Europe into war (so he's not working for the Russkis)
14) A View To A Kill (1985) - crazy industrialist plans to drown Silicon Valley
15) The Living Daylights (1987) - rogue KGB general does lots of bad stuff, in league with an American arms dealer
16) Licence to Kill (1989) - South American drug baron
17) Goldeneye (1995) - Treacherous former British agent aims to create world financial meltdown (we didn't need 006 - the banks did it for us!)
18) Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) - mad British media mogul plays the Chinese and Brits off so he can sell newspapers
19) The World Is Not Enough (1999) - anarchist terrorist villain steals nuclear device from former Soviet republic
20) Die Another Day (2002) - rogue North Korean officer takes on bond without the permission of Kim Jong-il.
21) Casino Royale (2006) - financier of global terrorism plays baccarat with Bond
22) Quantum of Solace (2008) - shadowy international terrorist group

So - there you have it: only once does Bond directly face villains owned and operated by a rival international power. The other 21 times, he saves the world by taking on terrorists, rogue agents, greedy capitalists, and treacherous Brits.

Makes you love him even more, doesn't it?

Heil Ranga!

I received my weekly online gossip email today, popbitch, which has recently been revealing some famous redeheads from history. A few we know: Winston Churchill, Alexander the Great, Eisenhower. A few are more surprising: Lenin, for example, who must go down as the most important ranga in the annals of history.

Apart, that is, from popbitch's famous redhead today: Adolf Hitler.

Could it be? Was Adolf really a ginge?

I have nevr encountered this myth before, and I have been scouting the net all evening for some tidbit to support this assertion. but I have found just one comment, on one dodgy blog, that backs it up. This blogger reckons that Hitler was a reddie, and that he died his hair black to cover it up.

This would make sense, considering Hitler's view of redheads. There is a fair bit of evidence that says he thought gingers were unnatural and were not to be tolerated bypeople from good Aryan stock.

However, I have never read or heard anything about the fuhrer's predilection for black hair dye. So I decided to look at the photographic evidence. Surely, if Hitler was ginger, he would have been so as a youngster, and surely, he wouldn't have started dyeing his hair until he was an adult.

Here's the earliest photo of our Adolf:


His toddler's mop does look pretty dark, doesn't it?

How about as a school boy? (I do love his arrogant gaze in this photo, it speaks volumes of the person behind the eyes...):


Again, unless Frau Hitler was colouring his locks, I reckon he was a brunette. I'm definitely calling popbitch on their Adolf Ranga claim.

Now, a very quick one...was Hitler actually a fanatical vegetarian, as we are so often told?

This one is interesting, and pretty easy to dispute. Despite his claim to be a vegetarian from at least the early 1930s to his death, there are ample sources indicating that he (albeit infrequently) partook of animal products over this time. Cooks, secretaries, doctors, and eyewitnesses have mentioned episodes where Hitler ate liver, sausage, squab (young pigeon, if you didn't know), animal fat, pork, caviar, and medicines derived from animal products.

So, even though he delighted in disgusting dinner guests by describing his visit to a slaughterhouse in the Ukraine, it seems that Hitler would occasionally enjoy a morsel of the meaty stuff. True, he didn't eat much (mainly for health reasons, it seems, though there is a crackpot theory that conjures up the philosophy of Richard Wagner), but he was not a true veggo by today's standards.

Alright, that's enough Adolf. Auf wiedersehn.