Speerheading the Resistance?

So, who's your favourite Nazi?

Is it Himmler, the sadistic chicken farmer with that silly little hey-fuhrer-look-at-me-I'm-just-like-you moustache, and fanatical hatred of the Jews?

Or Hess, who thought he could fly to Scotland and single-handedly end the war, but who ended up in jail until 1987, when he hung himself, a broken 93-year old man?

Perhaps it is Goering, the obese, drug-addled former flying ace, who had a penchant for silk uniforms and looting.

Or, if you are particularly eccentric, you might be a fan of Ribbentrop, the former wine salesman and Foreign Minister, who was so abysmal at his job, that in 1945 he still thought the Prime Minister of the country they had been fighting for 6 years, was called Vincent Churchill.

Well, I love all of these kooky cats, but at the moment I am quite interested in the fellow who is often referred to as the 'Good Nazi', the intelligent, wily, and multi-talented Albert Speer.

Speer joined the Party relatively late, but quickly worked his way into Hitler's favour, thanks to his formidable skills as an architect. The Fuhrer was a failed artist and architect, so he took a liking to the young man, eventually making him his personal building and city designer.

It was Speer who was responsible for the design of the 'pillars of light' effect at the Nuremberg stadium where the Nazis held their impressive rallies, and also for the new Reich Chancellery (where Hitler met his end in 1945), as well as the city plans for 'Germania', the triumphal new capital city that Hitler may well have built, if World War Two hadn't gotten in the way.

Now, as this global conflict was more about destroying stuff than making it, it would seem that Speer had found his career at something of a dead end. However, the Fuhrer had a soft spot for this spohisticated and charming young chap, so when the Minister for Armament Production carked it in 1942, Speer was rather unexpectedly elevated into this vital position.

He plunged into the role with gusto, promptly lending his organisational skills to the coordination of Germany's war industries. Over the next three years, he did an amazing job - while Hitler's armies were being pushed back on three fronts, Speer actually managed to increase production in some areas, churning out the tanks, planes, rockets and guns which were needed to keep the Third Reich in the war. He did face something of a labour shortage, what with every able-bodied male from about 10 to 60 being forced into the defence of the Fatherland, but he was creative in his solution: he used the millions of Jews, Slavs, communists and others who had been swept into concentration camps by Himmler to make his armaments! Not only did this give the idle souls something to do, they were so grateful for being provided with gainful employment, that they did it for free! A Good Nazi, indeed.

In 1945, it was obvious to all (except the by-now almost completely delusional Hitler) that the war was lost. Hitler ordered Speer to destroy all German industry and infrastructure, so as to deny it to the enemy. Speer pretended to obey, but later admitted to Hitler that he had been unable to put this 'scorched earth' policy into effect. Speer recalls that he told Hitler this during their last meeting, and that his boss was actually quite calm about this act of complete disobedience. One would have expected Hitler to lose his nut, and have Speer executed for this; so one must ask whether Speer simply invented the story of his confession to the Fuhrer. There are no witnesses, and the story does make Speer look both noble, and brave.

Now we approach the myth. Speer, around the time he told this story (soon after his arrest), also said that he had actually planned to assassinate Hitler. He claimed that he had advanced plans to poison everyone in the Chancellery bunker, by throwing a gas canister into the bunker's air intake. His plot was frustrated by a high wall that had been built around the vent.

Just bad luck? As a rival architect sarcastically stated: "the second most powerful man in the state did not have a ladder."

The question is: did Speer actually plan to assassinate his beloved Fuhrer?

I have no idea, and I don't think anyone does, except for Speer himself, and he's been dead for 28 years.

But I will go out on a limb and say: the sneaky bastard was lying.

You see, the evidence all points to Speer making this story up. Let me list my reasons:

1) He was a shameless self-promoter. Look at the way he clambered up the Nazi hierarchy, going from designing a couple of buildings, to running the entire wartime economy; look at the way he saved his skin at the Nuremberg Trials, by pleading guilty, and then admitting to his complete remorse for what he did, and managing to get off with 20 years in jail, while others at his level received death; look at his massive, best-selling memoirs, written in Spandau prison, and which, more than anything, put forward the myth that Speer was a fundamentally good man, propelled by forces beyind his control.

2) It is the obvious lie to construct. If I had been a senior Nazi, arrested after the war, and wished to save my own skin, I would also concoct a story about how I actually hated the Fuhrer, and thought about killing him.

3) The story doesn't stack up. Firstly, Speer designed the Chancellery, and was a seasoned architect. He, more than anyone, should have known the layout of the building, and the obvious ways to bypass the protective features. A high wall wouldn't have stopped him. If he was truly serious, I'm sure he could have gotten some of his slave labourers to whip up a ladder for him.

4) His actions afterwards don't fit in, either. If he had really thought about killing Hitler early in 1945, then why did he make the dangerous and daring dash back to Berlin a week before the Russians took the city, simply to say goodbye to Hitler, and (possibly)to confess his betrayal to him? these are not the actions of a man who has lost all faith in his leader, nor are they the actions of a man who has harboured deeply treasonous plans. Hitler by this stage was paranoid and frantic. Speer, if he had actually come close to assassinating his boss, would have been well-advised to stay away at this juncture. I just don't buy his story here at all.

5) Throwing poison gas into the Fuhrerbunker? Come on, you're just recycling Himmler's Final Solution strategy there. Come up with something original, Albert.

So, there you go: Speer was a great architect, a master organiser, an expert at contrition, a successful writer, and a fantastic bullshitter.

The Cannibal Emperor?

I've been a bit slack of late, failing to update the old Histbusters blog for some months. It's not that there has been a lack of juicy history myths out there, just that I couldn't be arsed.

But here I am, back to dissect and probe into one of my favourite little legends - the curious case of Emperor Jean-Bedel Bokassa, completely-and-utterly fucked up leader of the Central African Republic (or Empire, as he called it from '76 until '79).

This guy was a case, no doubt about it. He makes other tinpot African dictators look like proud, mighty, honourable and decent leaders. He was the sort of nut that Idi Amin would have enjoyed to share a bottle or two of CAR biere with, on the veranda next to his crocodile-infested lake.

There is one myth in particular that I want to tackle: was Bokassa a cannibal, as his critics later claimed?

Bokassa began his career as a soldier, serving in the French army. He fought the Vichy french in WW2, and later served in Indochina against the communist forces there. After Central African independence, he quickly rose through the ranks of the (tiny) CAR army, becoming its chief in the early 1960s. This was mainly because he was a cousin of the president, David Dacko.

Tensions arose between Dacko and Bokassa, and on the first day of 1966, Bokassa seized power. He dissolved the National Assembly, and decided to introduce some, ah, rather unique laws of his own. He dealt with the scourge of unemployment in a particularly creative way: everyone from 18-55 had to provide proof that they had a job, or they were fined and imprisoned.

Bokassa's sadistic streak began to emerge. One rival, Banza, had his flesh carved up and his spine smashed, after being found guilty of treason. The evidence is that Bokassa committed at least some of the violence against this man, possibly with the knife he had recently used to stir his coffee.

Bokassa believed in meritocratic promotion, and, being well aware of his own incredible talent, made the difficult and bold decision to promote himself to the rank of general, and president-for-life.

In the mid-70s, Bokassa met the almost-equally dotty Colonel Gaddafi, and was so tkaen that he promptly converted to Islam, taking the name Salah Eddine Ahmed Bokassa. A few months later, he promptly recanted his faith and became a Catholic again. This had nothing to do with Gaddafi refusing to cough up some cash he had promised him.

In 1976, Bokassa lost the plot completely, and declared the CAR a monarchy, now to be known as the Central African Empire. This mighty nation required a selfless monarch to rule it, and so Bokass again took the tough road, and named himself Emperor; or rather, "Emperor of Central Africa by the will of the Central African people, united within the national political party, the MESAN". His coronation was a lavish and pomp-filled affair, involving the presentation to himself of 80 Mercedes, and cost $22 million. This consumed 1/3 of CAR's budget for that year, and all of its overseas aid. Kevin Rudd would have been impressed.

Bokassa's rule became ever more strict, with regular accusations of torture and repression. He is alleged to have beaten many of the regime's victims himself. Things came to a head in 1979, when 100 schoolkids were killed during protests against wearing state-imposed uniforms (made and sold at a very high price by one of Bokassa's wives). Bokassa apparently caned some of them to death himself. Even the French, who had tolerated him for over a decade, now left his side. A team of French commandos assisted David Dacko to stage a coup against the Emperor, and the CAE became the CAR once more.

On his return from exile (in France, of course), Bokassa was arrested and tried for embezzlement, treason, murder, and cannibalism. He was acquitted of the last charge, and sentenced to death, soon commuted to life. He was released in 1993, and died three years later, claiming to be the 13 Apostle, and leaving behind 17 wives and 50 kids. Wow.

Bokassa was undoubtedly a corrupt and brutal man. But was he a cannibal?

Apparently these rumours got started when Paris Match magazine published photos, soon after the school protests, allegedly showing fridges containing the bodies of children. The implication was that the fridges belonged to Bokassa, and he kept the bodies for a spot of afternoon snacking. Bokassa always said that the photos were of the refrigerators at the morgue. After he was toppled, investigators checked his fridges. Apparently, no humans (or human bits) inside them.

There were also stories of Bokassa feeding the bodies of his victims to the crocs and lions on his personal estate. The lake was drained after his downfall, and some bones found, but not enough to provide conclusive evidence of ritual croc-feeding.

One of Bokassa's many sons has spoken out against the rumours about his father: his explanation is that 'when you don't like your dog, you declare that it has rabies'. So was Bokassa innocent? Did all those people who put their trust in him thanks to his loyal anticommunism, simply make up the allegations to justify his overthrow?

It seems the answer is...maybe. There is no compelling evidence that the Mad Monarch was ever seen eating human flesh. Sure, he probably killed lots of people, but ate them? I doubt it. The cannibalism charges didn't stick during his seven-month trial, either, as no credible witnesses came forward. The consensus seems to be that the claims were part of a smear campaign to rally French support for his overthrow - a bit like Saddam's 'human mincing machine'. Bokassa may well have encouraged the rumours while he was in power, as it kept people in fear of what he was capable of.

But without a doubt, Bokassa was as mad as pants. Whatever happened to all the crazy dictators, anyway? Is it only Kim and Muammar left?

Creepy Assassination Coincidences...Or Are They?

This myth has been debunked to death, but its a good one, so I am going to debunk it again...my thanks (and apologies) to all of those who have already done it...

There is a list constantly doing the rounds of so-called 'coincidences' between the assassinations of JFK and Abe Lincoln. When you first read them, the similarities do seem uncanny. A spot of further analysis, though, soon puts them into perspective.

Coincidence 1:

Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846 Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946

True, true, true. But when you consider that these two men had careers and lives roughly a century apart, then it's not so amazing - especially when congressional elections are only held every other year.

Coincidence 2:

Lincoln was elected President in 1860
Kennedy was elected President in 1960

Again, these guys were enjoying political careers about a century apart. Plus, presidential elections are only held every four years (1948, 1952, 1956, 1960, etc) - so you would expect Kennedy to stand for Prez say, about 10-15 years after being elected to Congress - why, in about 1960! (And - what's so special about a 100 year difference anyway?)

Coincidence 3:

Lincoln's name has 7 letters
Kennedy's name has 7 letters

So does Bill Clinton's! And Johnson's. And Harding's. And Jackson's. And Madison's. And...

(We didn't even mention their first names or Lincoln's non-use of his middle name...)

Coincidence 4:

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy

Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln

Patent nonsense. The second statement is true - there was a lowly-ranked PA named Lincoln who served Kennedy, but no record of the reverse...

Coincidence 5:

War was thrust upon Lincoln almost immediately after inauguration
War was thrust upon Kennedy almost immediately after inauguration

If you want to count the Civil War (1861-1865) and the Vietnam War (1964-1975) as occurring roughly 100 years apart...but then, Vietnam didn't even get going until Johnson was in office.

Coincidence 6:

Lincoln was succeeded, after assassination, by vice-president Johnson
Kennedy was succeeded, after assassination, by vice-president Johnson

True, but you have to admit, 'Johnson' is a pretty common name.

Coincidence 7:

Andrew Johnson was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson was born in 1908

We're back to the 100-year coincidence again.

Coincidence 8:

Lincoln was sitting beside his wife when he was shot
Kennedy was sitting beside his wife when he was shot

Pretty expected as presidents don't tend to go out in public without their spouse in attendance...

Coincidence 9:

Lincoln was shot on a Friday
Kennedy was shot on a Friday

A massive one-in-seven shot, undermined even further by the fact that you'd expect most public functions to happen sometime between Friday and Sunday.

Coincidence 10:

Lincoln was shot in a theatre named Ford
Kennedy was shot in a car made by Ford

Only the biggest American car company of the 20th century, which had been producing vehicles for decades.

Coincidence 11:

Lincoln didn't die immediately after being shot
Kennedy didn't die immediately after being shot

Pretty normal for a gunshot victim, one would think.

Coincidence 12:

John Wilkes Booth was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939

Nonsense again. Booth was born in 1838.

Coincidence 13:

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Slavery was a major concern of the 1850s, and civil rights had bamboozled the three presidents before Lincoln. The Civil War occurred on his watch, so he kind of had to deal with the issue. As for Kennedy, civil rights was again an issue that had flared up before he came to power, and it was not an issue he could ignore.

Coincidence 14:

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

That's where I'd aim too, if I was assassinating a president.

Coincidence 15:

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Hardly incredible (they must make up a fair whack of the US population, plus the South would have been anti- both presidents due to their stances on civil rights). However, the fact that Booth was from Maryland doesn't really make him a dinky-di southerner - more a border-creature of some sort.

Coincidence 16:

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Northern presidents often have southern vice-presidents - its a way of winning elections.

Coincidence 17:

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Apparently, Booth was often known simply as J.Wilkes Booth. And as we all know, once someone has murdered someone, the courts and the media often attach their full label when describing them.

Coincidence 18:

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre

Booth was actually caught some days later, at a tobacco shed on a farm - hardly a warehouse. Oswald was caught in a cinema, hours after fleeing a book depository.

Coincidence 19:

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Booth died in a gun-battle; maybe died before their trials would be more accurate, but remember - these guys shot two presidents, so they were pretty much Public Enemy No.1 in a country full of guns.

Coincidence 20:

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

This is the jokey one people always throw in. I'll bust it anyway. There is no Monroe in Maryland. And Marilyn Monroe died in 1962 - a full year before Kennedy was assassinated.

"Laura Bush Killed a Guy"

Watching Family Guy the other night, I was astounded to hear (three times) the phrase, 'Laura Bush killed a guy'. What the hell? Did she really? Could the former First Lady really have killed someone? Why had I never heard about this?

I paused the DVD and zipped around the net for a while. And yes, the team at Family Guy were correct. Laura Welch (as she then was) really did kill a guy - not on purpose, not vindictively, but in a tragic accident.

It seems that the then 17-year old was driving to a party in her Chevy sedan at 50mph in a 55mph zone, near Midland, Texas. She drove through a stop sign, and collided with a car being driven by one Michael Douglas, who was thrown from his vehicle, and died of a broken neck.

Laura and the teenage girl passenger in her car were treated in hospital for minor injuries; a police investigation occurred, and no charges were laid. Neither driver was tested for their blood-alcohol reading.

The coincidences in the case are quite spooky. There is some evidence that Laura and the dead driver had been romantically attached, or at least that she had been interested in him. He was a top athlete, as well as being likeable and intelligent. He had also been voted Most Popular Junior a few years before at school.

Also, the boy's father was apparently in a car behind his son, and he witnessed the whole accident. Pretty tragic stuff.

There have been mumblings about the suspicious circumstances of the crash - that Laura Welch had shot through the stop sign on purpose, to crash into the side of the car being driven by the studly guy who jilted her. However, this sounds like a pile of nonsense. The most likely explanation is that Laura, just two days after her 17th birthday, excited and on her way to a party with her best mate, on a dark Texas road, stuffed up and accidentally ploughed into a vehicle also being driven by an inexperienced person.

Was she drinking? Possibly, but probably not.
Was there a cover-up of the whole event? Unlikely, as it happened before Laura was a famous person, and before she was linked to the powerful Bush clan.
Did she cause the accident? Well, she did fail to stop at a designated stop sign, so she was at least partly to blame.
Was it all just a terrible coincidence? Most likely.
Why did we never hear of this? The media, probably out of respect for the First Family, did not make big beans out of a story from 1963. And I'm sure that Mrs Bush has had some pretty massive guilt weighing on her conscience since that fateful night.

So, there you go: Laura Bush did kill a guy...but it's not as sinister as it sounds.

What's In a (Country) Name?

After recently travelling in Myanmar (Burma), I realised that country names are not quite as innocent as they seem - pretty much every label will piss off someone, somewhere, for its bias, for its refusal to recognise history, for its air of cultural superiority.

I love the eytmology (great word) of country names. Here are some of my favourites:

Argentina (Land of Silver) - far from such with its recent monetary troubles
Australia (originally Terra Australis Incognita, or Unknown Southern Land) - all those bastards who wrap themselves in flags on January 26th have no idea what it means
Bahamas (Shallow Seas) - Pretty much describes the Caribbean
Britain (Painted Ones in Celtic) - Named after the tattooed early inhabitants.
Burkina Faso (Homeland of the Incorruptible) - Nine out of ten military dictators would dispute that title...
Cameroon (River of Shrimps) - That's a lot of prawns.
Canada (Village in Iriquois) - Maybe a little bigger than a village, now.
Chad (Lake) - Named after Lake Chad. Or Lake Lake.
China (Centre Country) - In the middle, according to the Chinese.
Cuba (Centre Palce) - Don't tell the Chinese.
Ecuador (Equator) - Original.
Ethiopia (Of Burnt Visage) - Racist.
Gambia (Exchange, from the Portuguese, Cambio) - Obviously a trading area, then.
Guatemala (Place of Many Trees) - Not since United Fruit raped the place.
Honduras (Depths) - Opposite of Bahamas.
Hungary (Alliance of the Ten Tribes) - Sounds pretty ancient to me.
Iran (Land of the Aryans) - Don't tell Hitler.
Ireland (The Fertile Place) - Well, they don't like using condoms.
Israel (He Struggles With God) - And all of his neighbours.
Kazakhstan (Land of the Cossacks) - And also Borat jokes.
Kuwait (Fortress Built Near Water) - Easily captured by Saddam Hussein.
Leichtenstein (Light Stone) - Or Land of One Thousand Tax Scams.
Luxembourg (Little CasSouth)tle) - Little country, too.
Madagascar (End of the Earth) - Certainly a long way from anywhere.
Mali (Hippopotamus) - Fair enough.
Mongolia (Brave or Fearless) - Genghis? Yep.
Namibia (Area Where There is Nothing) - Good name for a desert country.
Palestine (To invade) - Probably a better name for the Israelis, at this juncture in history
Romania (Roman Realm) - And indeed it was.
Samoa (Place of the Moa) - Named after a now extinct bird.
Spain (Land of Hyraxes) - The Phoenicians mistook Spain's hares for hyraxes...
Sudan (Land of the Blacks) - Yep, pretty close.
Tonga (South) - Of Samoa, that is.
Uruguay (River of Shellfish) - And no mention of steak at all.